"What do you think it is Doctor?"

“What do you think it might be Doctor? I’m terrified it’s something horrible- like MS.”

I looked my patient straight in her tear-filled blue eyes in the same way you are told to focus on a single spot when you are spinning around as a kid, so you don’t fall over. I knew I'd lose my emotional balance if I dropped her gaze for a second. I could already see my reflection in her eyes. Several months earlier, days before we celebrated my son’s first birthday, I was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis- a degenerative neurological condition- at the age of 34.

In the stories I’ve read, the diagnosis, the crisis, or the heartbreak, form the pivotal moment where the hero character realises their fate and adapts accordingly.

But my a-ha moment didn’t come when my consultant delivered the bad news in a kind yet methodical way that I could relate to. I’d spent my working life regularly dropping bombs of life-changing news, and whilst I always felt empathy and pain for my patients, the reality is that there is always someone else waiting to be seen. I’d had to find a way to partition off any negative emotions or stress I felt and be ready to see my next patient.

So perhaps it’s not surprising that I shut the curtains on my bad news and looked for ways to work around, adapt and hide my truth from those around me and myself.

However, looking a version of myself in the eye reminded me that there was no real way to divide up parts of myself anymore. Whether I liked it or not, my diagnosis was part of me, and I would have to teach myself what that meant for me and my life as a doctor and a person.

9 years on and that moment has led me here.

I’m still a doctor in my heart but I don’t see patients anymore.

I’ve followed a childhood passion to write.

My son is almost as tall as me instead of me having to hold his hand to keep him steady.

But I still find exercise a total chore.

My brain condition has led me to learn more about brain and mind health than I ever did as a doctor. Taking all those years of caring for patients and how I could help, I was given a new lens to look at health with.

From there I’ve studied sleep science and science-backed preventative medicine. I’ve learned that our relationships, finding a purpose and how we talk to ourselves are some of the most important healthcare tools we have at our disposal.

How we care for ourselves starts with caring for our brain and mind.

And that’s what I’m going to write about here. With some observations on the world around us and the odd Netflix true crime binge thrown in for good measure.

I’d love for you to join me.